Pink Vine Press Blogger Encouraged to Reveal Childhood Rape in Light of Cosby Allegations

I am 46 years old and have never told but a few people about my story. I was around 11 or 12 years old. My next door neighbor Lamont Jackson of Oakland, Ca., whom had his eye on me for years, had his way with me one day. He knew when my parents left for work and would come to the door all of the time trying to persuade me to let him in. For as long as I could remember, he would have this conniving look on his face as he would bother me everyday. It never failed that he would bother me while hanging out the clothes in the backyard or if I played outside with my friends or if I was coming home from school and he would be hiding behind his front window and step in front of it in order to show his nude body holding his private parts. While growing up, I felt like a prisoner in my own home, as we never opened our curtains on the right side of the house because the neighbors could look straight through and see us. Also, I couldn't get any light in my bedroom or open my window for fresh air because he would be whispering through my window or peeking through my curtains. He was a vulture on the prowl.

Suddenly, he tried harder for days, even with my grandmother in the house restricted to a wheelchair. She asked what he wanted and I said a glass of water. She told me to give it to him but I kept refusing. Unfortunately, he kept trying on this one day and I regret going against my own gut feeling but I opened the back door to hand him the cup of water. He pushed the door open and attempted to rape me on the kitchen floor. My grandmother and baby brother were in the house and he closed the doors to the kitchen so my brother would stop peeking.

Without getting graphic, I remember that it was painful and as I tried to fight him off, he was much stronger than I. It didn't go on long because it was nothing but God that my father drove up the driveway to the house and was opening the gate to drive through. When my predator heard the squeal from the gates opening, he ran to the window and saw it was my father. He hid behind the curtain until my father drove through to the backyard and then ran out the front door. I remember how he ran past my wheelchair bound grandmother and wondering what she was thinking at the time. She was too sick to move less alone speak on it.

I know that I was scared yet relieved that my father had come home when he did. If he had not, I could have become pregnant. He has my hero that day and has always been my hero. To this day, he does not know what happened to me. I remember never telling a soul because the next day I was out on the front porch and when Lamont came out talking to another boy and he bragged about 'getting some' and how I was wearing a training bra. He even laughed and said I liked it. He also bragged about how he had other girls in the neighborhood and he threatened to kill me if I told anyone what happened. I never told anyone, even though I ended up telling my mother three years later. She presumed that she could not confront my predator or his parents since I waited so long to tell her. She blamed me for letting him in; just as I thought she would do. You see, my mother is a narcissist. I have never gained her approval nor support in most situations, so I knew she would not support me even at age 11 and we never spoke about it again as if it didn't effect me at all.

Consequently, my family faced many obstacles following my rape. My grandmother died the next year, we have a family tragedy, and my parents separated the following year. As a young girl, the rape affected me. I was awkwardly shy and especially in high school. I didn't know then but learned years later that that incident caused me to push away people who were close to me. For instance, I had a good friend in high school and we had a disagreement. Even after they asked for forgiveness, my heart became cold and I  never forgave them until years later. I grew up trying to find love and became the most forgiving person you want to know but I suffered from loneliness, insecurities on many levels and I felt unfulfilled in life for many years. People don't always understand when you are molested or raped, it effects a young girl for life and you don't understand why you react the way you do in many situations.

I am proud of the fact that I did confront my abuser. It took many years as a grown woman but I did it. I was tired of going through years with the same next door neighbors and how he always looked at me like he stole something precious from me and was proud of it. He stole my virginity and taunted me for years and made me feel like I couldn't have a boyfriend or would question who I was dating. I would see him around town and I felt completely bound at times because seeing him meant remembering the incident all over again; every single time. So, it was one faithful day when I decided to confront him when I left from a visit at my mother's house. He was in his front yard and I walked over there. I told him: "I am sick of you. You are always smiling and grinning when you see me and you think you have control over me because of what happened years ago. I'm here to tell you, you don't anymore." His mother came out of the house asking what was going on and I told her "Ask him. You ask him what the problem is." I got into my car and watched them argue as I drove away. I made a point to write his mother a letter later that week to make sure she knew the true story because I knew he would not tell it.

So, that is my story and I tell it now because I believe you can hold in your secret of sexual abuse for decades because it is a shameful act. The victim can be blamed for it and sometimes you are threatened or intimidated into not exposing them. I believe all of the Bill Cosby accusers because I have experienced it too. After all of these years, just as my predator would not speak on this, Bill Cosby is not speaking for more reasons than his counsel disapproving it. What can they say now? What could they say to the young women or girls whom they have scarred for life and turned her life upside down? Not much. I just persuade more women to come out and reveal there past because it can only help you heal more and help someone else heal in the process. God Bless.