Pink Vine Press Blogger Encouraged to Reveal Childhood Rape in Light of Cosby Allegations
We
are hoping to start a movement here. One of our bloggers has decided to
use this platform to reveal her childhood rape incident to the world in
order to help others do the same. She says the Bill Cosby allegations
have made her realize her story needs to be told to others. She says it
happens to everyday girls, boys, teens, men, and women who do not know
how to tell others when it occurs. Many times it takes years, even
decades to reveal this kind of pain.
This
post is to encourage others to come out, if they choose, and tell their
story of sexual abuse. We welcome women as well as men to do so in
order to help the healing process.
Read below this blogger's personal story of sexual abuse.
I
am 46 years old and have never told but a few people about my story. I
was around 11 or 12 years old. My next door neighbor Lamont Jackson of
Oakland, Ca., whom had his eye on me for years, had his way with me one
day. He knew when my parents left for work and would come to the door
all of the time trying to persuade me to let him in. For as long as I could remember, he would have
this conniving look on his face as he would bother me everyday. It never
failed that he would bother me while hanging out the clothes in the
backyard or if I played outside with my friends or if I was coming home
from school and he would be hiding behind his front window and step in
front of it in order to show his nude body holding his private parts.
While growing up, I felt like a prisoner in my own home, as we never
opened our curtains on the right side of the house because the neighbors
could look straight through and see us. Also, I couldn't get any light
in my bedroom or open my window for fresh air because he would be
whispering through my window or peeking through my curtains. He was a
vulture on the prowl.
Suddenly, he tried harder for days, even
with my grandmother in the house restricted to a wheelchair. She asked
what he wanted and I said a glass of water. She told me to give it to
him but I kept refusing. Unfortunately, he kept trying on this one day
and I regret going against my own gut feeling but I opened the back door
to hand him the cup of water. He pushed the door open and attempted to
rape me on the kitchen floor. My grandmother and baby brother were in
the house and he closed the doors to the kitchen so my brother would
stop peeking.
Without getting graphic, I remember that it was
painful and as I tried to fight him off, he was much stronger than I. It
didn't go on long because it was nothing but God that my father drove
up the driveway to the house and was opening the gate to drive through.
When my predator heard the squeal from the gates opening, he ran to the
window and saw it was my father. He hid behind the curtain until my
father drove through to the backyard and then ran out the front door. I
remember how he ran past my wheelchair bound grandmother and wondering
what she was thinking at the time. She was too sick to move less alone
speak on it.

I
know that I was scared yet relieved that my father had come home when
he did. If he had not, I could have become pregnant. He has my hero that
day and has always been my hero. To this day, he does not know what
happened to me. I remember never telling a soul because the next day I
was out on the front porch and when Lamont came out talking to another
boy and he bragged about 'getting some' and how I was wearing a training
bra. He even laughed and said I liked it. He also bragged about how he
had other girls in the neighborhood and he threatened to kill me if I
told anyone what happened. I never told anyone, even though I ended up
telling my mother three years later. She presumed that she could not
confront my predator or his parents since I waited so long to tell her.
She blamed me for letting him in; just as I thought she would do. You
see, my mother is a narcissist. I have never gained her approval nor
support in most situations, so I knew she would not support me even at
age 11 and we never spoke about it again as if it didn't effect me at all.
Consequently, my family faced many obstacles following my
rape. My grandmother died the next year, we have a family tragedy, and my parents separated the
following year. As a young girl, the rape affected me. I was awkwardly
shy and especially in high school. I didn't know then but learned years
later that that incident caused me to push away people who were close to
me. For instance, I had a good friend in high school and we had a disagreement. Even after they asked for forgiveness, my heart became cold and
I never forgave them until years later. I grew up trying to find love and became the most forgiving person you want to know but I suffered from loneliness, insecurities on many levels and I felt unfulfilled
in life for many years. People don't always understand when you
are molested or raped, it effects a young girl for life and you don't
understand why you react the way you do in many situations.
I am
proud of the fact that I did confront my abuser. It took many years as a
grown woman but I did it. I was tired of going through years with the
same next door neighbors and how he always looked at me like he stole
something precious from me and was proud of it. He stole my virginity
and taunted me for years and made me feel like I couldn't have a
boyfriend or would question who I was dating. I would see him around
town and I felt completely bound at times because seeing him meant
remembering the incident all over again; every single time. So, it was
one faithful day when I decided to confront him when I left from a visit
at my mother's house. He was in his front yard and I walked over there.
I told him: "I am sick of you. You are always smiling and grinning when
you see me and you think you have control over me because of what
happened years ago. I'm here to tell you, you don't anymore." His mother
came out of the house asking what was going on and I told her "Ask him.
You ask him what the problem is." I got into my car and watched them
argue as I drove away. I made a point to write his mother a letter later
that week to make sure she knew the true story because I knew he would
not tell it.
So, that is my story and I tell it now because I
believe you can hold in your secret of sexual abuse for decades because
it is a shameful act. The victim can be blamed for it and sometimes you
are threatened or intimidated into not exposing them. I believe all of
the Bill Cosby accusers because I have experienced it too. After all of
these years, just as my predator would not speak on this, Bill Cosby is
not speaking for more reasons than his counsel disapproving it. What can
they say now? What could they say to the young women or girls whom they
have scarred for life and turned her life upside down? Not much. I just
persuade more women to come out and reveal there past because it can
only help you heal more and help someone else heal in the process. God Bless.